Living With Your Wife in an Understanding Way

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. I Peter 3:7 (NAS95)

We live in a society that has attempted to blot all difference between the sexes. In Church of the Good Shepherd we are intent on restoring masculinity to men. Similarly, we should be about restoring femininity to women. When I say femininity please don’t think of women sitting primly with white gloves at a Victorian tea party. Not that that is excluded, rather it is in no way the definition.

My dear wife loves to share all manner of outdoor pursuits with me. But to “live with her in an understanding way” I will not pursue them with her in the same way as I would with a man. If I take Anne kayaking, we don’t go down Clear Creek at flood, or down the Elkhorn in KY. Rather, we will go on a quiet lake or stream. This is not because a woman can’t enjoy fast water, but, because my dear one doesn’t.

I teach my sons to shoot a shotgun and .22 around junior high or high school. My daughters are welcome to try it but not expected to. (A shotgun can give a surprising kick). I think it is necessary due to occasional animals needing to disappear from the farm. I have suggested my wife also learn, but she replies, “That is why I have sons.” If I pressed it, she would learn, but I have not had a son yet who didn’t take to it right away. Boys are just different from girls; I need to keep that in mind.

When Anne and I were dating we had some fights. Some I remember; most I don’t. I can remember one vividly. I can’t remember what we were fighting about, but I remember my sweet dear one taking a can of Tab and rapidly emptying the contents about my face and shoulders. It got my attention. I remember thinking, “Hmm… there is something about this I don’t understand.” This behavior wasn’t like her at all, and I didn’t think the fight rose to the level of throwing pop… so I knew I must be missing something. What I was missing was an understanding of my wife.

So, how do you live with this woman who is so different from you in an understanding way?

It is assumed you want to obey this command.

First, you assume that your wife is not like you. God did not make her the same. I guarantee it. He made her to complement you not imitate you.

Second, you pay attention, you observe, you study your wife. What makes her smile, what makes her scared, what does she talk about for months afterwards? If you don’t know, ask questions, lots of questions. Most women love to talk. Does she need to talk things over more than you do? Does she care more about the house or the car, care more about relationships? Does she want to stay up later after the kids are asleep? To live with her in an understanding way you need to begin to understand her.

Finally, you relate to your wife according to this understanding. If she shies away from an aggressive discussion, then learn to say what is needed in a gentle way. Does she look disappointed on your dinner date at the steak house? Try taking her to a Thai restaurant. If she has been at home with the kids all day, then spend some time drawing her out in conversation. If this is sounding one sided, remember you are called to die for your wife. I have much more I want to say about dying, but that is for another post.

You may have noticed that is some ways you wife is weaker than you. Of course the Bible already told you that, so how do you treat someone weaker? You stand up for them! You protect them. You don’t get mad at them for being weaker. Rather you honor her as someone with the same standing before God as you.

Now for those of you who are yet to marry, practice living in an understanding way now! If there is a young woman you are interested in, study her. No… not just the way she looks… I know you like that… study her, her strengths, sins, preferences, and delights. Never assume she is like you – why would you want that anyway? Then when you start to understand her, act like you do.